Shauna Eats Sunnyside

Swerve Tactics at 99¢ Treat

With the economy in shambles this holiday season and consumerism strained, dollar store revenues are booming as the thrifty public turns toward generic and discount brands. In Sunnyside, dollar stores are welcomed with open arms as integral community staples on an increasingly cramtastic stretch of Boulevard…

Although hocking second-rate goods at discount prices to struggling college students, stockpiling grandmas, and rabid families of five is certainly a noble endeavor, seems the villanous 99¢ Treat (on Queens Blvd. b/w 41st and 42nd Sts.) has another, more deceitful angle in mind…

CUE SCENE:

B enters the 99¢ garage this past weekend solo, as I am in the depths of MD noshing on jumbo shrimp and Old Bay fries with the fam. He’s playing the part of Old Man Whiskey and is slightly disgruntled following a less-than-stellar Premier League outing that morning.

Apathetic, B peruses the tiresome bootleg kung-fu dvds rack, then meanders aimlessly along the outskirts of the musty, cluttered store before happening upon two small glasses in the kitchenware section… perhaps only four inches or so in height. The perfect girth. The perfect weight. The perfect rim. Yes, these will do. B closes his eyes and imagines complex woodsy aromas swirling across “the rocks,” clinking within his grip, as he raises a cup and thoughtfully—yet delicately—sips a double of duty-free Johnny Walker Green. A touch of sophistication. A touch of class. And easy on the pockets.

B checks the fold of his wallet and two fresh greens stare back at him. It must be fate. He makes his way to the register, prospective cups in hand, high-grade scotch on his mind. A man on a mission.

Once at the counter, a rather unpleasant cashier rings up his domestic finds as B stands anxiously with bills in hand.

Cashier: “Total’s $3.”

B: “Wait, how do you figure?”

Cashier: “$1.50 each.”

B: “Um, isn’t this a dollar store?”

Cashier: “Sir, this is a DISCOUNT store.”

B: “But you’re called 99¢ Treat. These are my treats… why aren’t they 99¢?”

Cashier: “$1.50 each. Discount, sir.”

B: “But all I have is $2. C’mon, two cups for $2.”

Cashier: “NO sir. $1.50 each. DISCOUNT store.”

Register lady clearly wouldn’t budge, so a confused B was forced to break up his duo of meant-to-be tumblers, emerging with just one wee whiskey receptacle for the duration of his bachelor weekend.

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Upon hearing this story, my mind wandered back to an encounter this summer in the very same 99¢ Treat, where I overheard the wily owner talk a young, Brighton-Beach-bound bloke into paying $28 for an Igloo Playmate cooler. The dude seemed desperate, otherwise he may have shopped around and realized that he was receiving no discount at all from these alleged discount overlords. Dude’s weak excuse for haggling fell on deaf ears as the owner stubbornly insisted the kid produce $28 for a 30-count cooling bin…which he did.

At the time, I just shook my head at the poor guy’s misfortune and proceeded with my two-for-$5 kung-fu dvds purchase… but in retrospect, what tha hell? THE STORE IS CALLED 99¢ TREAT!! Where in tarnation are all the 99¢ treats?!

In my humble opinion, it’s an almost unforgiveable swerve to lure in unsuspecting customers hoping for a deal—for the sacred, comforting discounts that a dollar store represents—only to stick them with 50¢, 75¢, and $28 markups on products that they surely sold for cheaper last year. Yeah, yeah, I know… inflation. The economy. The f’n cost of oil.

All I’m sayin is if dollar stores wanna keep their cred and maximize on disillusioned buyership, they need to sell that shit for $1 (AND NOT A PENNY MORE!!!)

After examining the scoundrels’ overhead signage today, one thing became apparently clear—these people are well-versed in the ways of the swerve. Check it out:

HOLY SHIT! When did this happen? They actually plastered over the “99¢ or Less” box with the word “MORE”… FIENDS!!

What bastards. This is almost as ballsy as my 19-year-old sister taking mama’s personal paperwork to the DMV to obtain an over-21 driver’s license back in ‘03. I am both impressed and utterly horrified.

The thrift store pirates have officially foiled our bargain voyage…

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99¢ Treat (a.k.a. “Markup Central”)
Queens Blvd. b/w 41st and 42nd Sts.
Sunnyside, NY 11104