Shauna Eats Sunnyside

eSparks coffee is kinda *GAG*

The new eSparks Coffee (on the corner of Greenpoint Ave. and 44th St.) is officially open for business. The other Sunday, B and I were already loaded down with cups of rich, dense, sweet and creamy Colombian java and a bag of flaky, guava-infused pastries from Greenpoint-and-47th-Ave. corner staple El Triangulo Bakery, but having spotted the crap bunny coffee hut’s gleaming interior and stark pastry selection, we set aside our reliable breakfast for the purposes of journalism and waded into unchartered—and un-air-conditioned—chain territory.

(By the way, how freakin big does a detour sign need to be? Big enough to obscure the entirety of a righthand turn, apparently… or maybe it’s a subconscious indicator that you should avert plans to hit eSparks and DETOUR to El Triangulo, Chipichape, or El Buen Sabor instead.)

Upon entering the stagnant gates of brewed coffee hell, I secured a table near the window as B made his ascent toward the glistening counter. Of immediate note was the empty office vibe of the joint. Perhaps because it’s newly renovated, perhaps because of its high ceilings and lack of comfortable social buzz (only a few young couples and a puntable little foo-foo dog were lingering at the time), but each voice echoed throughout the stifling room, initiating an awkward, we-care-less-about-our-customers’-comfort-and-more-about-turning-a-profit-type feel. For christ’s sake, Starbucks tries harder than these clowns.

Case in point:

Young (clearly not customer-service-driven) barista dude behind the counter trying to work the brew dispenser (loud and clear): “JESUS CHRIST! How the hell does this thing work?!” Along with a “fuck” and two “shits” thrown into his regular behind-the-counter language with coworkers.*

*Although this may be standard Queens jive and can often be viewed as endearing in certain circles (and on this blog), I hate to think that this is what professional service has come to. Might I add that there didn’t appear to be a manager present.

When B moved from the cashier to the self-serve counter, I realized he was dejectedly toting only a small coffee. When he returned to our table, he explained that there was no almond syrup (his favorite), no congelatos (apparently they were fresh outta operable blenders—meaning half of their f’n menu was rendered null and void), and no pennies (he was forced into a “keep the change” settlement, bastards). To add insult to injury, eSparks doesn’t appear to be up on the liquid sugar trend, and the granulated sugar shaker was already lumpy and clogged. Arrrgggghhh. In a relatively unrelated vein, they appear to also offer “Park Berry frozen yogurt” in two equally boring flavors, plain and green tea. Consume at your own risk.

In light of the suffocating atmosphere, lack of stimulating decorum, and obnoxious interjections emanating from the pip behind the counter, we decided to take that overpriced coffee to go.

I’m not trying to totally rail on eSparks… that will come in the next paragraph when discussing their lame excuse for a house blend. But I am led to wonder why they rushed to open their doors without such necessary barista machinery as a fucking blender and cash register pennies. Unlike Starberry, who came out swinging for the stars, eSparks has dropped a lame, fieldable bunt with way too much backspin. Bottom line, with at least one other location in Queens (that has since morphed into Woodside’s Cafescape), these Starbucks wannabes should know better.

Speaking of shame, let’s get to the brew… B’s faces say it all:

ABOVE: A sip of eSparks small coffee, with milk and (clumpy) sugar. weak, Weak, WEAK! It tasted like tainted hot water. Slightly metallic, bitter, and frickin weak as all hell. Damn. I shit you not, it was so bad, it stopped us dead in our tracks on Greenpoint, where we had to promptly analyze why it tasted like boot gravel. For the money they dropped on floor tiling, the eSparks backers should’ve invested in some sort of quality Amazonian bean to back up their bs. And honestly, giving away the shit coffee to lure in an unsuspecting crowd would’ve been better than charging upwards of $3 for that kinda crap.

Unlike the liquid poo from Foo-Foo Central, El Triangulo churns a solid, rich Colombian cup with joyous disregard for calories and sugar content. It’s cheap. It’s soul-warming. And it’s honest. Look, it actually makes B smile!!!

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eSparks Coffee *GAG*
Greenpoint Avenue (at 44th St.)
Woodside, NY 11377

El Triangulo Bakery
44-08 Greenpoint Avenue (b/w 44th and 45th sts)
Sunnyside, NY 11104
718-786-5919

Chipichape Colombian Bakery
45-53 45th St (b/w Greenpoint and 47th ave)
Woodside, NY 11377
(718) 392-5480 

El Buen Sabor Colombian Bakery
Queens Boulevard (b/w 45th and 46th Sts)
Sunnyside, NY 11104
(718) 361-8714

Starbucks Coffee
46-09 Queens Blvd (b/w 46th and 47th Sts)
Sunnyside, NY 11104
(718) 472-5215

Starberry Frozen Yogurt
42-11 Queens Blvd. (b/w 42nd and 43rd Sts.)
Sunnyside, NY 11104
(718) 786-4775